


Torn

by lovemelizards (tomfics)



Series: Second Chances [2]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Desperation, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Hopeful Ending, Introspection, M/M, POV Elim Garak, Relationship Problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:33:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29279247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomfics/pseuds/lovemelizards
Summary: Being in a relationship with Julian caused an internal struggle within him as his desire to be honest and his natural instincts fought for dominance and found no balance.---------Garak despairs as he watches his relationship with Julian fall apart at his hands.Continuation to 'Say My Name' in Garak's POV.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Series: Second Chances [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2123883
Comments: 13
Kudos: 24
Collections: Star Trek: Just in Time Fest





	Torn

**Author's Note:**

> Although this could be read on its own, I highly recommend you read '[Say My Name](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28933350)' first as this continues slightly beyond where that fic ends.

**1**

> _If I smile with my teeth_
> 
> _Bet you believe me_
> 
> _If I smile with my teeth_
> 
> _I think I believe me_

Lying came naturally to Garak; it didn’t take him much to spin a story so glorious it’d entertain even non-believers. Never choosing the direct path, always obfuscating that’s how he was used to living. Being in a relationship with Julian caused an internal struggle within him as his desire to be honest and his natural instincts fought for dominance and found no balance. How could he tell his lovely doctor, how much of him still resided in darkness? How could he tell him he would never meet his wide-eyed expectations? He couldn’t. But maybe if he tried enough the mask he wore would feel like skin.

**2**

> _My inspiration has run dry_
> 
> _Our conversation has run dry_
> 
> _That's what's goin' on_
> 
> _Nothing's fine, I'm torn_

Garak told Julian he was reading a new book, hoping to see interest in his eyes but finding none. Bitterly he opened ‘ _The Never-Ending Sacrifice’_ to remind himself where his loyalty laid, to remind himself of his duty in life and what waited behind the finish line. But his eyes roamed around the same words over and over again. He couldn’t focus, couldn’t relax. The disappointed sighs and judgemental glances Julian bore into him from across the room stung and it took all his strength not to fidget, to present a perfect image, even if inside he felt far from it.

He knew tomorrow he’d try to entice Julian into lunch, into one of their literary discussions, only to be turned down. Oh, his Julian would give sweet excuses of being busy, but the reality was that their conversation had run dry, there was no more intrigue, no more to say. He could try harder, he _should_ try harder, but his inspiration had run dry, weariness seeping into his soul. He stifled his own sigh.

**3**

> _Well it couldn't be that man I adored_
> 
> _You don't seem to know,_
> 
> _Don´t seem to care what your heart is for_
> 
> _I don't know him anymore_

The coldness he found when he looked into his lover’s eyes squeezed at his heart so desperately, he wanted to scream. He’d had the nerve in the past to suggest Julian turn more cynical and now that his wish came true, he cursed his own foolishness. He couldn’t help but resent the war and what it had taken from him, how it had changed them both. Anger seethed inside him. His doctor was no longer, stripped of his humanity that was so central to his being. And for all he had complained, it was one of the things that made him love Julian for it made him _him_. He was far from the once tender-hearted doctor that had stolen his lonely heart so many years ago. His hazel eyes lifeless, looking but not seeing, his body tense and unyielding with harsh angles as if starving for affection.

He’d hold Julian and tell him, in the privacy of his arms, how much he meant to him. He’d hold him and tell him sweet lies, lies that he himself wanted to believe about them and the future. He tried to earn the love in Julian’s eyes again, but every time he tried it seemed to make things worse. He could tell his lover didn’t believe him and he cursed himself for being who he was, for not being able to be who Julian needed him to be. He wondered why Julian didn’t leave. He wouldn’t blame him, but he was too selfish to let him go first.

**4**

> _It's all ending_
> 
> _We gotta stop pretending_
> 
> _Who we are_
> 
> _You and me_
> 
> _I can see us dyin'_
> 
> _Aren't we?_

Sometimes he would dream of walls closing in on him, of stifling darkness that threatened to consume him. He’d gasp awake, chest heaving, sitting up straight, room coming into focus. He would automatically turn to look to his side where his lover slept only to find it empty — the sheets already cool as if he had never been there in the first place. As if he had left early in the morning in a hurry to leave his side.

Breathing slowing down, he’d grab Julian’s pillow and press to his face. His scent the only proof he had been there, that he hadn’t imagined it.

Garak was always surprised when he came back to their quarters. Day after day his muscles clenched at the thought of going back and he would work until his vision blurred and he could no longer handle the pain in his back. He’d go back to their quarters always dreading that he’d find it empty and that he’d find himself alone again. 

But every time he’d exhale in relief when his dear doctor was there. And he’d try to show how thankful he was with words and affections, but he wasn’t proficient in those. And he knew his words fell short, he knew his touches felt cold, he knew by the way Julian looked at him. By the way he looked away. 

**5**

> _Don't speak, I know just what you're sayin'_
> 
> _So please stop explainin'_
> 
> _Don't tell me 'cause it hurts_
> 
> _I don't need your reasons_
> 
> _Don't tell me 'cause it hurts_

The same way he, Garak, yields lies expertly, Julian has the incredible talent to yield truths. And those truths were now slipping out from Julian’s lips like daggers aimed at his heart. He feels a sinking feeling in his gut. It was finally happening. What he had been dreading the most: the inescapability of Julian leaving him. 

But there’s a fire to his eyes that gives him pause. And he looks so beautiful like this and he feels so ashamed; here was Julian fighting for them, filling the gap where he had lacked. The grip on his arms is strong, almost uncomfortable, but they don’t hurt enough. They don’t punish him like he deserves. 

“Julian...” He finally whispers, forcing himself to breathe, feeling his core shake with the weight of those expectant eyes on him and the hope that’s growing between them. But Garak was never one to hope. Hope had a horrible tendency of being crushed, blown out with a simple gust of air. 

As he held Julian in his arms, sinking down with him to the floor, his chin resting against the warm shoulder, he whispers to himself, so quietly, he is sure Julian won’t hear:

“I failed us.”

But he is proven wrong when the young man between his arms tenses and pushes back just a little to find his gaze. Warm hands lift to cup Garak’s face. 

“Oh, Elim...” Julian breathes out. And there is such fondness and sentiment in the utterance of his name that Garak can’t help but hope... that there is still time for them.

**Author's Note:**

> Unlike 'Say My Name' I had to use three songs to be used as quotes for Garak's POV; he is a complicated man and one song wasn't enough!
> 
> Songs:
> 
> [Fake Happy by Paramore](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8vsuOXZBXc)  
> [Torn by Natalie Imbruglia](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VV1XWJN3nJo)  
> [Don't Speak by No Doubt](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6Ob1BfVqj8)
> 
>   
> Kudos, comments, (and threats for causing emotional pain) are welcomed!


End file.
